Well, I have a few minutes so I thought I'd update. This is not going to be a happy post. Things are moving ahead, though I feel I'm going backwards. I had no idea settling an estate was so involved and time consuming. There have been many new things - I'm suddenly a home-owner, which means I must also clean it and order fuel oil, do its shopping and pay it's bills. I've lost my best friend, yet I find myself having conversations with her in my head - it all still seems so surreral. I find myself crying for no reason at all, and she's stuck in my thoughts no matter what I'm doing. God, I miss her. Each day has gotten harder for me emotionally and I feel cut-off from friends and family, though I'm not. I feel like there's a blanket separating me from the world and everything outside is muffled.
Monday I go back to work, and I dread it because I know I will have to face all my coworkers who will come to offer their polite condolences, all the while feeling like I want to scream inside. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I know they mean well, but I'm in such a raw state that any mention or reminder of mom is going to set me off. I just don't know how I'm going to cope. Worse even, I feel like I'm getting sick again - I'm coughing and my vocal cords and chest feel a bit raw. So, I guess I'll have to go see the doctor yet again. *sigh* And you all know my feelings on that method of torture...
Well, that's all I can manage today. I'm wiped. Until my next entry, be well and take care. And remember to hug your mom!
Monday I go back to work, and I dread it because I know I will have to face all my coworkers who will come to offer their polite condolences, all the while feeling like I want to scream inside. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I know they mean well, but I'm in such a raw state that any mention or reminder of mom is going to set me off. I just don't know how I'm going to cope. Worse even, I feel like I'm getting sick again - I'm coughing and my vocal cords and chest feel a bit raw. So, I guess I'll have to go see the doctor yet again. *sigh* And you all know my feelings on that method of torture...
Well, that's all I can manage today. I'm wiped. Until my next entry, be well and take care. And remember to hug your mom!
posted by Unknown at 4:54 PM
5 Comments:
Thanks, Harry, for your support - it means alot.
Yes, you hang in there. Especially going back to work. Look past the condolences and see the sentiment behind them. Cry if you have to.
Bests.
That's not easy, Cookie. Every occasion you have to face people for the first time is really hard going.
But all the best,
Rob
Scavella, Rob - thanks. your caring and support warms the cockles of me ticker. *wink* I got through day 1 ok today. I can do this. But boy, you sure do start to take a different look at the people who you thought were your friends when you realize just how phony they really are. *sigh* It's a sad way to find out, I think, but at least now I know who's genuine and who isn't.
Hey, Scavella - the book is good (though it makes me weep a lot), I started reading it last week, I'm about halfway through. I think I'll probably refer back to it many times as time passes. Thanks again for telling me about it. I also picked up another book called "Nobody's Child Anymore" by Barbara Bartocci which is another good book for people who have lost both parents.
I read the book of Job not long ago. After his great losses his friends sat with him for an entire week. The kicker is that they did not SAY a word. I think the utter silence speaks so much to the need of grief. There are no words. Presence is everything.
I don't know what your religious background is so I hope I didn't offend you by sharing this.
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