Saturday, November 19, 2005

Well, I have a few minutes so I thought I'd update. This is not going to be a happy post. Things are moving ahead, though I feel I'm going backwards. I had no idea settling an estate was so involved and time consuming. There have been many new things - I'm suddenly a home-owner, which means I must also clean it and order fuel oil, do its shopping and pay it's bills. I've lost my best friend, yet I find myself having conversations with her in my head - it all still seems so surreral. I find myself crying for no reason at all, and she's stuck in my thoughts no matter what I'm doing. God, I miss her. Each day has gotten harder for me emotionally and I feel cut-off from friends and family, though I'm not. I feel like there's a blanket separating me from the world and everything outside is muffled.

Monday I go back to work, and I dread it because I know I will have to face all my coworkers who will come to offer their polite condolences, all the while feeling like I want to scream inside. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I know they mean well, but I'm in such a raw state that any mention or reminder of mom is going to set me off. I just don't know how I'm going to cope. Worse even, I feel like I'm getting sick again - I'm coughing and my vocal cords and chest feel a bit raw. So, I guess I'll have to go see the doctor yet again. *sigh* And you all know my feelings on that method of torture...

Well, that's all I can manage today. I'm wiped. Until my next entry, be well and take care. And remember to hug your mom!


Blogger Harry said...

Hey cookie. Keep strong.


6:01 PM  
Blogger Cookala said...

Thanks, Harry, for your support - it means alot.

1:20 PM  
Blogger Scavella said...

Yes, you hang in there. Especially going back to work. Look past the condolences and see the sentiment behind them. Cry if you have to.


5:42 PM  
Blogger Rob Mackenzie said...

That's not easy, Cookie. Every occasion you have to face people for the first time is really hard going.

But all the best,

11:01 AM  
Blogger Cookala said...

Scavella, Rob - thanks. your caring and support warms the cockles of me ticker. *wink* I got through day 1 ok today. I can do this. But boy, you sure do start to take a different look at the people who you thought were your friends when you realize just how phony they really are. *sigh* It's a sad way to find out, I think, but at least now I know who's genuine and who isn't.

Hey, Scavella - the book is good (though it makes me weep a lot), I started reading it last week, I'm about halfway through. I think I'll probably refer back to it many times as time passes. Thanks again for telling me about it. I also picked up another book called "Nobody's Child Anymore" by Barbara Bartocci which is another good book for people who have lost both parents.

7:36 PM  
Blogger Chuck said...

I read the book of Job not long ago. After his great losses his friends sat with him for an entire week. The kicker is that they did not SAY a word. I think the utter silence speaks so much to the need of grief. There are no words. Presence is everything.
I don't know what your religious background is so I hope I didn't offend you by sharing this.

5:55 PM  

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