Saturday, November 26, 2005

Well, I've survived another tough week. First I had to deal with the coworkers, then I had to get through Thanksgiving, and today I've been sorting through my mom's papers. My God, I love my mom dearly, but she was a depression baby and she believed in holding onto e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. *sigh* I've spent the day (it's Saturday) going through her room looking for her will.

This is the third time I've tried to find it, and I'll be going at it again tomorrow. I've already thrown out several 30gal garbage bags full of stuff that doesn't matter, like advertisements and old bills and recipes and bobby pins and old pens and keys and - oh, God, you've no idea how much crap she amassed in that 16 x 18 bedroom. As I progress through box after box of papers and bills dated as far back as 1987, I can't help but think I may not ever find the will though she definitely had one. I was with her when she had it drawn up, and I'm the executrix (I think that's the female spelling) so I know what her wishes were. But it's just damn scary to think we may have to go through probate without a will, plus it will take maybe a year or more to close her estate. *sigh #2* Anyway, I'm drained.

Thanksgiving was really hard for me. I kept remembering mom and me making the turkey and arguing over how hot to run the stove for the veggies, stuffing and gravy. I'd have the stove going just right and the minute I'd walk away for a peek at the parade she'd go over and lower it, so I'd raise it again and tell her, "Hey, don't mess with my stove you" and we'd argue (good naturedly of course, and in fun) like we always did. God, I miss her so much I ache both physically and emotionally.

This year I stayed in bed until 3pm (I watched the parade and the dog show), then forced myself to go downstairs to check on the stepfather. I played on the computer for a couple of hours, then fed pops around 5, then went back upstairs around 7 and had a Healthy Choice Chicken Marsala dinner.

My brother went to Staten Island with his fiancee and had a nice turkey dinner. I could've gone, but I didn't feel like driving me and pops (there wasn't enough room for us in my brother's car). Ah well, I probably wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway, and I probably would've depressed everyone else, too. Still, I missed the smell of turkey cooking. I missed sitting down to a turkey dinner and tearing into it with mom. My cousin from Texas is coming to stay with us for 2 weeks at Christmas, so maybe we'll make a turkey then. We'll see.

So that's about all I've been up to this past week. I'm basically just trying to stay afloat, and I'm trying to deal with my grief. I'm also nursing a case of bronchitis and a stuffed up nose/head, and that's trying my patience as well. I've had this upper respiratory thing since 10/22, and I'm tired of it mostly because it's really a bitch to cry when you're already stuffed up. But I think I'm on the mend. Maybe the new antibiotics are finally kicking germ ass. I've started writing again, which is a GOOD thing. It's a catharsis for me. I've written a few new poems, but they're really sad. Ah well, at least I'm writing, and that's the important thing. The fine tuning can come later on.

So, I'll close by saying that I hope you're all well, and also with telling those of you who still have moms to go call her or hug her or whatever. Like Nike says, just do it. You'll be glad you did.

7 Comments:

Blogger Heather O'Neill said...

Cookie-

I don't really know how to put my words in their places. But, anyway, I think of you often, and my thoughts are with you.

Your words are an inspiration to me, and they mean alot. I think of my mom, and how close we are (she was even my Matron of Honor at my wedding half a decade back), and how much closer we should be. I remember to call her more often because of your words. Thank you.

You, take care of you, and be well.

4:00 AM  
Blogger Cookala said...

Heya, Heather. Thanks for your encourageing words, they help more than you know. I'm glad I've inspired you to think more about your mom. Like I said, just do it.

3:13 PM  
Blogger Annie said...

Hi cookie,

Just wanted to let you know that you've been in my thoughts a great deal this last week. Hope the new antibiotics kick in--it must be impossible to deal with all this and not feel good. Please take care of yourself, OK?

Best (and lots of hugs)
Annie

6:54 PM  
Blogger Cookala said...

Hey, Annie! It's so good to hear from you. I'm finally starting to feel better - I guess the antibiotics are finally kicking germ-ass. I'm still coughing a bit, but at least I'm a whole lot less congested and that's a good thing, because it's alot easier to cry.

I'm deep into grieving at this point, and I gotta say, grief is really weird. I've got all the symptoms - insomnia, aches and pains, fatigue, headaches, cotton mouth, fuzzyhead forgetfulness, and the fits of crying that come on suddenly and without warning, and then there's teh anger, too. This grief stuff is really hard work, and it's kicking my ass.

But I'm ok, I'm just concentrating on getting through a day at a time and going with the flow. Of course, the holidays are going to suck - all the Christmas hoohah is already driving me nuts. I guess the holidays will be a sore spot for me for a long time to come.

I miss her so much already, and with each day that passes it gets a little harder for me to bear the fact that I can't talk to her or do things with her anymore, or see her smile, or give and get hugs. I've lost a very big part of me, and I'll never be the same person again.

But enough, I'm going off on a tear here and I don't want to do that. You be well, and please stay in touch. I love hearing from you and my PFFA pals. It helps alot.

3:44 PM  
Blogger Chuck said...

It's been a while since I checked your blog...thought I'd marked it. Did your mom have the will drawn up with a lawyer? If so, they'll have a copy in their safe. (I work for a law firm.)

5:50 PM  
Blogger Annie said...

Ahh cookie,

Grief isn't linear--there is no right or wrong way, no easy answers. Seems to me that I read there's seven stages and lots of backwards/forward movement, anger definitely being one. Each person finds her own way through it and trite as it may sound, time helps. Maybe it's just a matter of learning to live with the loss. I don't think the missing ache ever goes way though.

This is the first year in about 3 that I'm looking forward to the holidays. Why I don't know. It's my busiest, most stressful time of year at work but my daughter's back home finally and that makes all the hype and bullshit easier to deal with. heh. She was living in NYC. I would have come to see her this spring and maybe you and I could have had Starbuck's together.

Anytime you want to talk, rant--whatever, let me know. I'm a pretty good listener.

Best, Annie

8:01 PM  
Blogger Cookala said...

Hiya, Chuck. Thanks for the heads up and yep, just did that and yes, they have a copy of her will. In my initial shock, I first called the wrong lawyer who said he didn't have a copy. Then, last weekend, I found a letter from a different lawyer so I called and bingo. I am so relieved. Now, if we can just get the stepfather into a home.

7:31 PM  

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