Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Wow, time flies. Even when you’re not having any fun. Yeah, more good/bad news since the last post. We got pops into a much better nursing home (good), but he’s in the hospital again (bad). *sigh* I’m tired of this already. Poor guy. Yesterday, the nursing home sent him to the hospital because he was running a 102 fever, had a sore throat and had a blood sugar count of 240 - in the morning. By noon, he’d become very listless and had a blood sugar level of 500+ (which is somewhat common with diabetics, seems their sugar level rises with infections). So, the hospital admitted him overnight, maybe longer. I have to call later on to find out. I got a feeling pops may not be around a lot longer. I mean, he’s 83, and every time I visit I can see him declining more and more. It’s just his time. To be honest, I’ll be surprised if he makes a comeback of any kind.

I don’t think it’s coincidental that he’s taken a nose dive since we put him in a home. He was fine health-wise before we put him in a home. I think he’s extremely depressed, and I think that’s what’s killing him. It’s sapping him of the will to live.

I’m ok, though. This is different than losing mom - nowhere near the same thing for me. I don’t have a close and intimate relationship with the stepfather and actually, it’s quite the opposite. We’ve rarely gotten along and I’ve never liked him as a person, even when I was young. He’s rarely supported my family through the years, and he’s been a source of contention for everyone in my family at one time or another and sometimes simultaneously. Still, I hate to see anyone decline and suffer in the way he has. I do feel sympathy for him, and though he’s severely mistreated me in the past I don’t wish him ill. He doesn’t really comprehend what’s happening to him. All he knows is that he wants to go home, and he can’t do that now. Not with his dementia making him uncontrollable.

So, that’s what’s going on. I’m finding it harder and harder to find any cheer in my life right now. It seems that as soon as I do, it’s whisked away before I can build on it. I’ve been making ATC cards like crazy as an escape. Making them takes my mind off of things. They offer me a temporary distance and give me a chance to feel a little better. Creating something beautiful always does that for me. I guess in some small way I’m pushing things aside, but it’s better than turning to drugs or alcohol. Sadly, my poetry has fallen by the wayside for the time being. I just can’t seem to concentrate right now. I miss it. A lot. And I miss the guys at PFFA. A lot. But writing poetry is extremely demanding for me mentally, and right now my head just isn’t there and doesn’t wish to go there. So, I’m having a setback poetically. The ATCs are easy, and really don’t require any brain power. Creating art has always been easy for me.

My photography has fallen by the wayside, too, because of the weather; but mainly because of all the work I have to do in the house and with mom’s estate. I just finished cleaning out her room, and now I have to sort through the basement stuff. My brother cleaned out all the stuff that had water damage from last October’s deluge of rain. Now I have to weed out about half of a basement full of holiday decorations, extra kitchen stuff and small appliances, materials I had saved from my days of floral and wood painting craft vendoring at craft shows, books, old clothes, etc. Lots of stuff to sort through. Should take me a few weekends. Then I still have to finish my apartment upstairs. And then there’s mom’s estate. I have to make an accounting of all her worldly goods to the court before they’ll start probate. I have gotten my letters of testamentary, so now I have to start visiting the banks and calling the insurance and stock companies. I have to have the house appraised and get an estimate. I have to open a new bank account to deposit all her monies into. I have to file her income taxes, keep the house going (pay its bills) and account for that. I have to account for any disbursements I’ve already made from her estate to anyone for services or whatever. *sigh* It’s a lot of paper to go through. And all this to do before beach weather hits, and that’s only 3 months away. I absolutely refuse to give up beach time because of all the stuff I have to clean out. This year, more than any that I can remember, I’m really going to need to go there to restore my peace of mind and put myself back together again.

These last three months have been the worst ever in so many ways. There’s been so much upheaval and emotional upset going on for weeks on end. And it’s taking it’s toll on me. If I’m lucky I manage 4-6 hours of solid sleep a night, my asthma and allergies are active again, S.A.D. is kicking my ass (as it usually does), my mind wanders far too much and I’ve become very forgetful. And then there’s the grief, which comes and goes and beats me up pretty bad damn good when it does. Thank God it doesn’t last too long, like it did in the beginning. Oh yeah, and then there’s (ahem) my menses, which just makes all these things double whammies. Add all these together and, well, let’s just say I’m nowhere near my usual, vibrant, che sera sera self. I go through my days at work smiling and being my usual self, while inside I’m withering up. Then I go home and loose myself in fits of cleaning or making ATCs. *sigh*

Ah well, I guess I’m in a feeling sorry for myself frame of mind today, and that’s unlike me, too. I don’t usually buy into that whining and moaning kind of crap because I think of it as being a weakness. And I hate it when other people do it. No one I know has ever told me I’m like that so I guess I’m not, but I can’t help feel a bit guilty when I do feel this way. *sigh* What can I say? I’m complex. I want my old, boring life back. God, how I miss that life.


Blogger Autumn said...

Hi Cookie,

Sorry to hear about your stepfather's worsening situation.

I think you're right to say he's probably getting worse because he's not understanding his situation. It's sad, in a way, but you're already doing your best for him. If the experts cannot help him, who are we and what can we do? This's something I used to console myself after my mother's death. Anyway, I hope he's getting better already.

I'll talk to you again some other time. Meanwhile, take care.

p/s it's okay not to email. We can chat at your blog. I'll be checking in more often. Glad you're having fun with your ATC.

11:50 AM  

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