Sunday, December 04, 2005

And I've survived another week. It's true, life does go on though it may be altered in intangible ways. It's surreal, really, how things seem the same on the surface and yet are so profoundly changed inside of you, in your soul. And as I've said before, grief is exceedingly weird. Right now I'm feeling like my old self, but that can change in a blink. I've been crying less, but when I do it's more intense and comes from a deeper place than before, when I cried a lot. I think it's because I've been trying not to dwell on being in the place I'm in. I'm not denying my feelings, but I've found I am pushing them aside. I don't know if that's good or bad. I've been finding things to keep myself distracted, and trying to avoid quiet time.

You know, before mom died I couldn't bear to think of her dying. I thought for sure I'd be so devastated I wouldn't be able to function at all for a long time, but I fooled myself. I didn't fall apart to the extent I thought I would, and I somehow found the strength to make funeral arrangements, tend to the stepfather and the brother, deal with Medicaid (I hate those people. I would like to shoot them all, but that's for another time to rant on) clean the house and go through mom's private papers in search of needed documents and a will. And all that while I had a nasty upper respiratory thing going on. I guess it comes down to somebody having to do it, and I guess that somebody had to be me. And yet I feel guilty that I should be falling apart - does that sound nutso?

I dunno, but I wonder about a lot of things now. For one thing, becoming an "orphan" in mid-life is a real humdinger of a head trip. It's just me now, and that scares me much more than I care to admit. Truth is, I'm afraid to go alone into the world. I know, that must sound rather pathetic, especially coming from someone like me, but that's one of the things that's begun to haunt me. I expect I will be moving out of the house I've lived in for a large part of my life in a few years, but where to go? I've been thinking maybe California, somewhere near Monterey or Santa Barbara. I don't know a soul in that area, so that's a little scary, but from what I've read and seen on TV I think I'll fall in love with the area. CA would also be good for me because I'm in the IT business, so finding part time computer related consulting work probably wouldn't be too hard.

For a long time I had thought I'd move to Florida where I have some relatives, but after this past year's hurricanes, forget that. Yeah, CA has earthqueakes and mud slides and fires, but the area I've mentioned seems pretty removed from that, or at least it's not a common place event. Anyway, I need to be near the ocean and rid of cold weather and snow. Ick. I'd wither up and die if I moved inland. Though I love LI, it's just too damned expensive. Taxes are through the roof and so is the housing. Moving away from "safe" to "completely new and unknown" is daunting. Ah, well, it's all conjecture right now anyway.

I finally "found" (located might be a better word) the will. Well, actually, the lawyer had it all along. See, what happened was that I called the wrong lawyer the first time. (Who said grief doesn't make you stupid?) Heh. Anywho, this past weekend I found some correspondence from a different lawyer about her will. So I called them and, yup, they had a copy. Phew, was I relieved! It's in their hands now, so probate has begun. And with that I groan long and hard because I'm already thinking in terms of the tax man and my 2006 return.

I have no idea what inheritance tax is, or how to do all this new stuff on my 1040. *SIGH* Still more stuff I have to read up on. I tell ya, I'm sure getting an intense, albeit crash course education out of all this - what with medicaid (seriously, I really want to harm those people somehow), and medicare (and them too, but not as much) and Empire's Senior Choice Plan, and now taxes and probate. And it's all so damned complex and boring to me. I hate it. Almost overnight, my life has gotten extremely complicated. I'm learning I have a low capacity for dealing with this type of stuff. It's been extremely frustrating and will probably continue, maybe for the rest of my life. How sucky is that.

Well, that's all for now. I still have a million things to do - seems my life has changed that way, too. I'm always busy now, and always exhausted. I haven't written anything for over a week. It seems the muse has deserted me again, and that frustrates me. I'm hoping she'll come back when things settle down. Oh yeah, and I've been suffering from insomnia. Seems that as soon as the distractions fade into quiet, my thoughts turn to mom and all sorts of things. I've been having to leave the tv turned on low to distract me. Thing is, sometimes it distracts me into watching it so I get interested in what's on and end up getting 3-4 hours of sleep. I was late for work two days last week. There's only so much of that the boss will overlook. Shit, what a dilemma my life's become. *sigh again*

And so, I leave you with my usual mantra - go talk to your mom. Life is uncertain, be with her while you can.

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