Friday, December 09, 2005

Today is a bad day for me. It's been a month today that Mom's passed, and it's hitting me pretty fucking hard. I miss her in ways I can't even put into words - no small task for a budding poet. Right now as I write this I'm also busy printing out old photos of Mom for my cousin from Texas who's coming to stay with us for the holidays, and some pics for my brother. There's one I'm going to frame and put on my desk at work when the grief has subsided somewhat. Mom looks really happy in all the pics, and that makes me both happy and sad at the same time.

I don't know where the month went - and it's all a blur anyway. I'm finding that as the days pass I'm becoming more deeply upset and depressed. Seems I'm taking some backward steps this week, but I suppose grief is like that in the way it comes and goes. I put on a strong facade, but inside I feel like I'm hanging by a thread sometimes. The word hollow has taken on new meaning for me.

Last night we met with a lawyer, so probate has begun. It's both a relief and a source of disquiet for me. Everything is in order and neither my brother nor myself are contesting anything, so it should only take a few weeks to transfer the house into our names. I'm the executrix, so I will also have yet more stuff to take care of.

It seems there is always someone to call or see, or papers to fill out and mail, or medicaid people to cuss at. Those medicaid people define the word incompetent. The other day when I picked up an application form, the woman told me to bring it back to the chronic care office in a different town. So I did, even though it was an hour and a half of a drive back and forth. Then today, I get a letter from the chronic care office stating that they were sending it to the other office - the one I got the application from. Stupid idiots. I've learned that everything they say and tell me I must do is questionable, and usually wrong. *sigh*

I haven't been sleeping well, so I'm wiped. I took a day off this week just to sleep but it didn't help all that much. I feel like I need a month of shut eye to feel normal in a physical sense again. I only managed to get 13 hours of sleep between Sunday and Tuesday and I know the lack of sleep is making me more distraught.

It's amazing what sleep deprivation will do to you. Everything, no matter how small and simple, seems so utterly hard to do, and I want to cry all the time. I'm getting really strung out. Yesterday my brother got impatient with me and I burst into tears. It scared the shit out of him because it's not like me. Needless to say, he's suddenly started keeping watch on me. Today especially, I had a sense of not knowing what was happening to me. I felt so lost and alone. I think I'm running on empty.

So, that's about it. On the upside, I wrote two new poems this week and that brought me a nip of happiness. I had some good moments - I made it to work and home in one piece and without mishap for the two days that we had snow (driving in snow and ice makes me freak big time), I saw the new Harry Potter pic, I bought some poetry books and artsy/crafty magazines to read and went out for dinner with a close friend. The rest of the week was spent just getting through. Well, let's hope the coming week is better. I'm tired of this grief.

And don't forget about your mom, hear?


Blogger Rob Mackenzie said...

Hi Cookie

You're not taking "backward steps" you know. It's just the way the process of grief goes, as you were thinking. You go up and down, and emotions can change suddenly from one thing to another at the slightest provocation.

Good to know you're writing and getting out now and again.

I'm not that close to my parents, but I think the fact that you had a good relationship with your mum will give you strength in the future, even if it makes it harder at the moment.

All the best.

2:59 PM  
Blogger Cookala said...

Heya, Rob. You know, you're very wise. Everything you say makes alot of sense, and smacks of truth. Thanks for your support. Your kind words have helped a lot.

5:22 PM  
Blogger Chuck said...

I think Rob's right. There's no linear progression to grieving.

However, if you find yourself "going backwards" it wouldn't be shameful to get help. For instance, sleep deprivation leads to exhaustion which leads to lowered immunity which leads to...well you get the point. Eventually it takes it's toll on already ragged emotions. Temporarily getting an antidepressant from your physician is pretty common in times like this.
Great to hear your writing! Regular daily exercise can also be as therapeutic as anything.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Cookala said...

Heya, Chuck. Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for your comments. They do help. I guess grief is just an up and down road. Since yesterday I've been spiraling down into emotional mayhem, and this morning at work I had a sudden flashback of the moment when I found mom dead on the floor and how badly I freaked out at the time - it was so powerful it took my breath away.

Maybe I'm still stuck in semi-denial, though I doubt it. Maybe I'm just now coming out of shock. I don't know, but I'm having some problems coming to terms with the fact that she's gone forever, and it's been weighing on me very heavily these past two days. It seems that as time goes by, this loss hurts even worse, and when I do cry I don't feel that relief you usually get from a good cry, you know?

I've been trying to get better and more sleep, but it's hard, and I was having some problems sleeping even before mom passed on.

I guess this is just how things are going to be for some time to come. If I can get myself on a solid sleep schedule, that should help me cope better in a big way. I tend to be emotional when I get dog tired anyway, so that's probably what's triggering me.

But still, honestly, I think it's going to take some time yet for me to get back to normal, though I have no idea what that will be now.

Unfortunately, you can't control grief, but I think you can learn to handle it better with the passage of time and the gradual softening of emotional pain. I just have to learn how to do that.


3:07 PM  
Blogger Julie Carter said...


Your post struck a chord with me, echoing some of the thoughts I posted about recently. I lost my father two years ago this month, and I don't have any advice other than to say that you are you. Don't think that you have to follow a timeline of grief.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My father used to visit me every day, so I understand a little of what you're going through. Not everything, though. We all mourn differently.


12:53 PM  
Blogger Cookala said...

Hiya, Julie. Thanks for your comments and support. I know I keep writing this to everyone who does, but it helps me so much to hear from people who've had some experience with grieving, or who just feel the desire to offer their comments. It really does.

And I'm sorry to hear about your dad - please accept my belated condolences. You must be going through basically the same ups and down as I am, though you're absolutely correct that we all have our own way of grieving. I hope that my words can help to comfort you the way yours have helped to comfort me.


12:25 PM  

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