Well, I'm in much better spirit today so I figure I should write now. My last few posts have been really dismal. This grief is just very unpredictable - I never know when I'll be down and when I'll be up. I just want you to know that I'm not so down all the time, I do have good days, too.

It's really cold out, and boy do I hate the cold. It's painful. It makes my muscles spasm. I makes my head hurt and my eyes tear. Ick. I've been toying with the idea of moving to central California when I retire in a few years. Maybe somewhere around Santa Barbara, but not in it - ain't got those kind of bucks. I'm thinking I should take a vacation or two there in 2006 and then maybe every other year until I do retire to scout the area and check into rentals and talk to the residents about community and taxes and such. I've always dreamed of living there, and now with mom gone I suddenly have wings.

Everywhere everyone is getting ready for Christmas. Everyone but me - and honestly, it's something of a relief not to worry about decorating the house and making big, fancy dinners, and shopping for gifts. I do have some gifts to give out, but only because I'd already picked them up throughout the year. I'm not really going to celebrate. I don't think it's appropriate this year.

Having said that, I'm toying with the idea of driving around the neighborhood like I always do and checking out the lights. The people around here really go all out with the lights and animated thingies - some of the houses are really awesome. But I feel a bit guilty about doing it, because of mom. A part of me thinks it's disrespectful in some weird way, and I feel somewhat guilty about it, too. I mean, she only died a month ago and I shouldn't even want to or care about seeing the lights. I dunno, am I being silly? Well, it's two weeks away. Who knows what mood I'll be in then. I know if I'm down, I won't go. (I mostly prefer to sulk in private and alone). Well, we'll see,

I finally got to the salon and got my hair done. It was looking rather ravaged and wild and limp and hangy all at the same time. Yuk. It always shocks the shit out of me when one day I look in the mirror and see how bad things have gotten. Never mind I look in the mirror every day and somehow didn't notice it. But I look and think, wow, that looks pretty bad. When did that happen? I should've gotten myself to the salon a month ago, but I was sick so I couldn't, and then all the other stuff happened. As always, I like what my stylist did, but I just need time to get used to it. heh. I'm sure I'll like it better after I adjust to the length. It was good to get it done, because it always lifts my mood and y'all know I need good slatherings of that right now.

I've been writing a bit again. Six poems since Sunday. Four about my life's current events, two not. It's hard to write about anything besides the last month, but I don't care as it's a catharis for me. I'll probably throw out most of it as it's very depressing and emotional, but probably save some snips here and there as I'm coming up with some nice turns of phrase and diction and sonics(which is surprising because I haven't written anything new since summer).

Speaking of poetry, I've been thinking about NaPoWriMo. I'm inclined to think I probably won't participate in NAPo at PFFA in 2006 - this past year very nearly murdered my poor muse. I went dry for months after NaPo and it drove me nuts, and I don't want to do that again. It was just too draining.

Well, let me end here. Hope you're all having a good day, and remember to hug your mom!