Saturday, December 17, 2005

I just picked up a copy of "Little, Big," by John Crowley. Has anyone read it? Is it any good? I bought it based on the back cover snippet of what it's about. They claim if you liked LOTR than you'll love this book, too. Guess I'l find out when I get around to reading it.

Took a ride down to the beach today. Wow, the wind was super bitter. Two minutes without gloves while fiddling with the camera and I thought I had frostbite. Ouch. Needless to say, I didn't walk very far before I ran back to the warmth of my car. Oh well. But it felt good to get out with the camera. Doing that always recharges me. I've posted a few here, but you can see the rest at Flickr if you're so inclined. There's a link on the right.

I'm feeling almost normal today, yay, even though I did get some bad news yesterday. My sister-in-law passed away. I feel bad, but not so bad because she'd had a stroke twenty years ago and was completely paralyzed since. She couldn't even talk. Yet she had her mind. I can't think of a worse kind of hell than that. So, even though it's sad she's passed on, it's kinda not because at least now she's not in torture anymore.

And what is all this death around me lately? I've lost two aunts, (one of whom was like a second mother to me) my mom and now my sister-in-law - and all of them in the space of less than 4 months. Enough already. Honestly, I think 2005 has been the worst year of my life so far. I can't help but wonder why so many pieces of my life are disappearing all of a sudden. Is it any wonder why I've got such intense feelings of grief and feel completely out there sometimes? I think about all these people in my life and I wonder. Why have they all passed away so closely together? Does that mean something? Is it setting the stage for something else? *sigh* I don't know. ALl I can do is get through one day at a time. Que sera, sera.

So, here'e some of those pics I took today.



6 Comments:

Blogger Julie Carter said...

I tried to read Little, Big and simply couldn't get engaged. I have heard good things about it, though, so give it a try.

Julie

8:01 PM  
Blogger Cookala said...

Hi, Julie! Thanks for the note on "Little, Big". I'm still going to try reading it. I hope I don't have the same reaction!

2:35 PM  
Blogger Scavella said...

Cookie, it's been a while since I checked your blog, but I'm glad I did. I wanted to write about death and how it is. It comes in clumps, it seems to me. My father's family is all gone -- our generation is the only one, my cousin's the reluctant patriarch (I'd be the patriarch if I could but for reasoms of biology I can't). My teenage years were spent consoling my cousins, who were bereaved and orphaned in the space of five years or so, and feeling guilty because I still had my father. He died when I was 23. (We share a genetic condition that kills people off fairly early). My aunt and their mother were left behind until 1994, when the two of them, my aunt and my grandmother, died in the space of three weeks. A pair of cousins (unrelated themselves) completed the package in the fall of 1994.

So I don't know what it is about death and how it seems to come in clumps. But it does, and sometimes it's a blessing. The best thing about bereavement (which is going to sound absolutely screwy, but bear with me) is that you learn to appreciate life while you have it. I wouldn't trade my cousins for anything. We are close because of who we've lost (and because two of us are afflicted with the same disease our fathers and aunt died of), and the quality of our relationship is peculiar and special because of it.

It's a very strange blessing, if you believe in those things.

7:16 PM  
Blogger Cookala said...

Cheers, Scavella! And Happy Holidays! Thank you for sharing a part of yourself with me. It helps to hear other people talk about their experiences. It may sound weird, but it seems to ground me and return some of my balance. I guess it helps to be gently reminded that there are others out there who have gone through what I'm going through right now. And more importantly that there are others out there who have had even worse things happen to them. It's humbling, and I think when we're deeply plunged into grief we need to be humbled so we can come back to ourselves. Does that make sense?

I will say, though, that I'm eager to get 2005 past me. It's been the worst year of my life, and I'm eager to move away from this death that seems to be circling me and picking off those around me whom I care about. I've felt at times like someone has put a curse on me.

They say death, birth and weddings come in threes, and I've seen that happen many times. And people I've been talking to have been telling me that there seems to be a death epidemic going on- it seems everyone knows someone or has a relative who's died in the last 3 months. While that doesn't make me feel any better, it does make me feel more sane, and that it's not just me who's going through dealing with a loss.

But now, after learning of the genetic condition, you have has me worried about you. It's funny, I don't know alot about you but there is something there I am drawn to in a good way. I think you're a fabulous poet, and I've learned an awful lot from studying your work and reading your crits, and then finally getting to work with you in the Schooner. (*sigh, alas, The Harvester has been put into suspended animation. I do still want to develop it with your help, but the more I think about it the more I feel like I just haven't developed the skills yet that I need to get it done.)

Anyway, I'm going off here, and what I wanted to let you know is that I care what happens to you, just the same as I care about many of the people I've come to know a little about over at PFFA. It would make me extremely sad to see you succumb to that damned condition. There. 'Nuf said.

I will close with saying that the folks over at PFFA, and you and Tanya and Mattj and Rob and Julie - all of you - have been more support to me than my own relatives have, and that says a lot but means even more to me than you all can ever know.

So, with that said, let me wish you good holidays. I pray they are safe, full of love and good cheer.

Warm bests, good holidays,
Cookie

3:08 PM  
Blogger Autumn said...

Great pics, Cookie.

11:19 AM  
Blogger Cookala said...

Heya, Autumn! Thanks!

3:38 PM  

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